Miscarriages can be traumatic on so many levels: the grief, the shame, the fear, the physical and emotional pain, the feeling of being alone as misguided people tell you it is common and no big deal.

It is possible to use your self-talk to help get yourself through it, to be there for yourself, and hold your own hand.

The amount of emotional pain you feel with a miscarriage depends on the meaning you gave to the pregnancy and to its loss. That means that miscarriage is much harder on some women than on others.

It was super hard on me, and I didn’t know how to help myself through it. I didn’t know how to sit by my own sick bed and hold my hand. I just wanted to get on with things as quickly as possible. I thought that if I felt my feelings it would just make me sadder. I was so wrong and as a consequence I carried the grief and pain with me for years.

If I could go back in time, I would give myself all the time and space I needed to grieve and heal. I would shower myself with compassion. I would be gentle and kind to myself and to my body because what we are going through is traumatic. I would use my self-talk to get myself through that dark time.

This is what I wish I had said to myself:
• I love you. I love you. I love you.
• I am here for you and I will care for you.
• I can see that you are in so much pain. This is not your fault in any way.
• You can take all the time that you need to grieve.
• This is important. Normal life must wait.
• I know how much you love this baby and what this pregnancy meant to you.
• I will take care of everything. You can take the time to rest.
• Feeling my grief and other feelings of loss will help me heal.
• I will not pretend that everything is ok. I will honour myself through this.
• It does not matter what others say. They don’t understand what this means for you.
• This will pass. I promise you my love, this will pass.
• You are not alone. Many other women have lost their babies and feel the same way you do.
• If you need help, I will get it for you.
• There is no shame at all in grieving for someone you love. It is normal.
• Be gentle with yourself and with your body. You are going through a lot.
• Everything is going to be all right, one way or the other.
• I love you. I love you. I love you.