There was a blizzard that evening as my plane landed in Montreal. I met my mother to borrow her car and took off immediately. She had been with my father all day and I was now taking the night shift to be by his side so there would always be someone with him. Time was of the essence. We didn’t know how long he had to live.

What I felt at that moment was a huge fear bordering on terror. So many factors were colluding together to create a perfect storm of distress. I hadn’t driven in a snow storm in decades and was unsure of my skills. I drove my mother’s car in unploughed heavy snow with very limited visibility on the highway. I wasn’t entirely sure where I was headed, relying on quick instructions my mother had given me. Would I make it in time to see him?

Lurking out of the snowfall, ominously, alone in a large agricultural field, was the vetaran’s hospital where my dad was receiving care. This very same hospital had been the location of a popular horror movie when I was a teenager. I hadn’t slept well in weeks after watching it. I was a big fan of 80s horror movies back then even though I was way too sensitive to be watching them. Here I was coming to this hospital, late on a stormy night, to be with my dying father. How weird was this?

I was completely overwhelmed. Was I going to have a panic attack? Backing down wasn’t an option and time was running out so I kept going. I wanted so much to be with him despite my fear.

I found the after hours entrance, checked in with a security guard, and made my way in the dark empty labyrinth of hallways, getting lost a few times, until I found his room. My dad was unconscious in his bed.

So much adrenaline was coursing through my body and that was not the state I wanted to bring to this very important moment. I had to calm my nervous system so I could be fully present for me and my father. I wanted to love him and when I feel very scared, I don’t feel love. It’s like love is obscured by the fear.

I wanted to create a refuge of calm, love and ease for us. So I went inside myself to find my calm center. It wasn’t so easy to find. Hello, calm center, yoohoo? Where are you? I took deep breaths. It took a little while but I found my way. I wasn’t fully relaxed but way more. Then I organized some dim lighting with an LED candle, and lay down next to him. I held my own hand by taking care of myself even as I held his.

Fear is interesting. Sometimes fear indicates that there is something that’s not in my best interest to do. Sometimes fear means no. Sometimes fear is obscuring a big yes. Sometimes I’m not even that scared of the present situation but old fears from the past have been triggered back to life.

Of course this was a yes for me. I wanted to be with my father. I’ve experienced this at other times too. Something was a big yes despite my fear.

I find the best way to know the difference is to find a way to calm my overwhelmed system so that I can get underneath the fear and find out what’s really there, what’s really going on. My self talk helps me calm down and ask myself questions so I can have that knowing.

My self talk:

It’s my system, I can figure out what’s really going on.
Is it a yes even if I am scared?
What do I want to do despite my fear?
What ways can I use to calm my fear so I can figure out what is beneath it?

Thanks for reading.
With love,

Maryse