When I got angry, I completely lost my cool. Think of the Hulk, and you get the picture.
My choices seemed to be to go with that huge energy and strike, or shove it down, and let it dissipate. I didn’t know what else to do. Basically, I struck out when I lost control, and I shoved it down when I was able.
Instead of anger helping me restore boundaries that had been crossed, or protect myself or those around me, it would turn into a game of shame where I’d get angry, fling that anger out in a very aggressive way, then feel sorry afterwards. It’s hard to feel dignified after a full-blown adult tantrum.
Sometimes the Hulk did have its place -- like when predatory men came too close. Nothing says get the F*CK out of my face, like the Hulk. But when dealing with friends and family that I love, not so much. So what to do?
The writings of Karla McLaren are helping me see anger in a new light. She writes: “Simply put, anger is a necessary and magnificent emotion that can improve your life and your relationships in astonishing ways.” She calls anger the honourable sentry. It is there standing guard, protecting you, your boundaries, dignity, and honour.
I know that anger can be a wonderful informant and powerful catalyst. It helps me realize when my boundaries have been crossed and need enforcing. It protects me, and those around me. Anger also helps me be more authentic. It propels me to speak up for myself, and protect my rights. It can help me stand in a more empowered position. There is such a thing as healthy anger.
But knowing something in theory, and knowing how to apply it to my life -- the how to -- are two different animals. Think giraffe and platypus.
Just recently I had a chance to practice, to put healthy anger into action, to go from thinking to doing. A friend crossed a line. I was upset, and angry. But instead of slamming into him, or swallowing it up, I calmly informed him that he had dishonoured a boundary, and that I was angry. It came from a sense of dignity, and of love for me, and for him. This gave us a chance to restore our relationship. I was able, as McLaren writes, to set my boundaries mercifully
Anger and I are becoming friends now. I invited it over for tea. (two sugars, and a splash of milk for Anger, black for me) I think my new friend is pretty cool.
When I think of anger as a gift, it opens up a whole new world of health: healthy emotions, healthy self-esteem, and healthy relationships. McLaren says the internal questions to ask yourself when anger arises are: “What must be protected? What most be restored?”.
In my family, it was not cool to feel or display anger. I took that on. To not be ok with anger, to not be able to use your anger as a catalyst and energy, is like being in combat and only able to fight with one hand.
We have a lot to be angry about – that’s for sure. Violence, the destruction of our planet, sexual, physical and emotional abuse, patriarchy, racism, starving children, homophobia – you get it, you live here too. The question is, what will we do with that anger? How will it serve us? Will we use it as a source of power to make the world a better, healthier, more loving and more balanced place? It’s up to you and me.
My self-talk:
· Anger is a healthy and much needed emotion.
· I can use my anger in a skilful and intelligent way. It never needs to degrade others.
· I give myself permission to feel all my emotions.
· What needs to be protected? What needs to be restored?
· Anger is an amazing source of power.
· I enforce a boundary that you have crossed because I love us both.
Love, Maryse.
PS: Learning how to work with our anger starts with self-talk. I have put together a special worksheet designed to help you cultivate a healthier relationship with this important emotion. To learn more, click here.