Getting Caught in the Self Talk Loop and Breaking Its Hold on You

My young daughter for years dealt with breathing issues. I’ve lost count of how many times we’ve called the ambulance for rescue when she couldn’t breathe. The other night she started to cough. Immediately my body seized up. I mean within seconds. My inner chatter started up. “Oh no. She’s getting sick. How bad will this one be? Do I have her meds on hand? There’s a snowstorm, could we get help if we needed it? Is there anything I forgot to do to help her stay healthy? Is there anything I missed?” 

I started to feel really scared. 

There’s a thing called the feeling and negative self-talk loop. You start telling yourself something and you get a feeling or sensation in your body. That sensation gets your inner chatter to be even stronger, and that makes your feeling get stronger. This goes on and on until you are completely lost in the loop. 

The loop can start with a feeling or it can start with what you’ve told yourself. For me this time, the loop started with a feeling – I got scared and seized up – then I started telling myself about it, then I get more scared, when I felt more scared, then my self talk got even more fearful and alarmist etc. You see what I mean?

It’s like you’ve got an inch, you scratch. Itch, scratch, itch, scratch, start again. Scratching only makes the itch get stronger. You’re in a loop. 

I find that I can’t talk myself out of a loop. Like Einstein said “No problem can be solved from the same consciousness that created it.” I have got to elevate myself out of this loop.  I’ve got to take some kind of action to loosen its grip on me. That action can be a walk, a meditation, deep breath work, journaling, yoga, laughing, a big bear hug, dancing. Something needs to break the energy of the loop. You may have a favourite action that works for you. My niece goes for a long, hard run. Once the loop is broken, then I can switch my self-talk to one that is loving, and kind, and supportive. 

As soon as I realize that I’m in a self-talk loop, this is what I do. I start by giving myself directions. I tell myself: 

“You’re in a loop. Let’s get you out of it.” 

Then I take that action to break the loop and calm the mind and body down. Sometimes, it breaks quickly. Other times I have to give a real effort like dance for 20 minutes, or meditate of an hour. 

After that, I tell myself words that encourage, that heal, that guide, that help me have courage. 

And by the way, there are also positive self-talk loops that work for you. Imagine you start loving someone, you tell yourself wonderful things about this person, then you love them more, then your inner words get even lovelier and kinder, then you love them MORE. Imagine if that person was you? 

Is your head a safe place? You've got the power to make it a safe house

I heard a woman on the radio say she came home from work one day so stressed out and filled with negative self-talk that she realized her head was not a safe place for her to be. She sat in the bath and listened to a podcast to drown out her inner voice.  She figured it had nothing good to say to her. 

We all have a set inner voice – it’s called the default mode network. For some of us, it’s kind and friendly. For others, it’s a tyrant, a real mean son of a gun.  And it can get even meaner when something stressful happens. 

This inner bully can be so nasty and brutal that listening to it for even a few seconds is unbearable. Every measure is taken to drown out this voice: constant checking of our phones, TV on loud in the background, always needing to be talking and to be with other people, all kinds of entertainment, drugs and alcohol. We each have our regular coping mechanisms. I saw a guy in a jazz club who was there on a date, and he had a jazz ensemble playing live right in front of him, and still that wasn’t enough. He kept grabbing his phone. 

I kinda used to do that too – though not on a date cause I really like dates, and if I’m not present on a date, then when will I ever be present? I constantly filled my senses so that I wouldn’t hear what my inner voice had to say. It was like a nagging and critical roommate I tried to avoid by staying out late. But she ambushed me. She’d get me suddenly and start telling me how I always made mistakes, how I was a fake, how I was undeserving, and unimportant. It was disheartening. Was I really such a piece of crap that I deserved nothing better than this emotional abuse? It would have been unthinkable that I would speak to another person the way I spoke to myself. I was anxious from hearing this voice, and from trying to outrun it and block it out. It was not a skilful nor peaceful way to live. 

There is so much stress for us to cope with already in this world. If we top that off with inner words that cause more stress, fear, doubt and put downs, no wonder so many of us have anxiety. Sometimes our heads are really not a safe place for us to be. 

But that can be changed. 

I was able to make my inner self a safe place to be, a kind of safe house. It took some work, time and some practice, but it was well worth the effort. There’s freedom on the other side, peace of mind, and way more love.  I still practice everyday to catch myself when needed and speak to myself like all human beings deserve: with dignity, forgiveness, kindness, encouragement and compassion. 

Now if I come home from a very stressful day, I want to sit quietly with myself. I want to hear what my inner voice is saying because if it is critical and bullying, I want to manage it. Your brain and your body hear everything your default mode network says. I don’t want some part of me to be left alone listening to this voice.  I want to transform what it’s saying to me. This is something that I learned to do. 

The thing is, this inner voice, this default mode network, it doesn’t change on its own. It doesn’t just suddenly get better on its own. It needs YOU to decide to transform it from bully to friend, from nasty to kind. It needs YOU to choose a path where there is more love, a sense of worthiness, more joy, and more inner peace.  

Today’s takeaway is this: it is fully in your power to change your default inner voice. Life comes to meet you when you make a true decision and set your intention. There are so many ways that you can transform your self talk whether that’s self talk transformation exercises, books, professional counselling, meditation, loving kindness practices, or all of the above. The first step is to decide, and to know that you can change if you choose to. You’re that powerful. 

What title will you give yourself in 2020?

Imagine that a person has it all – whatever that looks like for you. Perhaps they are in a loving relationship, they are healthy, they’ve got a great family, a good career, and they have money to spare. That person has what many of us would consider all the conditions for a happy life. Yet, inside, this person may be saying that they are stressed, that they don’t have enough time, that they don’t really matter, or that they are not really loved.

Self talk is the great equalizer. It doesn’t matter what you have in your life, if your inner dialogue is filled with lack, with complaints, with put downs. I’ve always said that my life is only as good as I tell myself it is.

If your overall inner message is that you are not good enough, that you don’t have enough, that you are unworthy, this deflates you just like a puncture in a tire. It takes away the energy that you could put into your life and into realizing your dreams. This kind of inner speech can also make you feel anxious and stressed.

And the opposite is true. If your overall inner message is one of love, of abundance, of gratitude, of satisfaction with your efforts, that inner speech will elevate your energy. This will make it much easier for you to be who you aspire to be, and live the way you dream.

If you were to sum up your life with one sentence, a kind of Life Title, what would it be? What are you telling yourself about your life overall?

If you’d like to spend a few moments writing a Life Title for this year that can guide you and celebrate the preciousness of your life, Click here.

May you be elevated this year by your inner speech, and may your life be filled with energy, love and miracles.

Love,

Maryse

Self-Talk to Quiet the Mind at Bedtime

I make it a priority to cultivate a quiet mind. As an HSP (highly sensitive person), I really need the downtime that a quiet mind gives me. I find it very hard to fall asleep if my mind is swirling.

Sometimes when I go to bed, my mind races. I don’t even notice. I get totally caught up in the emotions of it. A train of thought comes by, and I jump right onto to it. The first thing I know, I’ve ridden this train all the way across the continent to New York. I am not even noticing anymore that I am safely and quietly in bed. In my head, I’m entangled in some kind of problem, or situation.

The moment I notice though, the moment I catch it, its time is up.

That’s because I know that a racing mind at bedtime -- analyzing myself, judging myself, other people or situations -- doesn’t have a happy ending. It doesn’t enable my already tired nervous system to calm down. It doesn’t enable me to rest and rejuvenate. I will take measures immediately to calm it down. I’ll repeat the measures again and again until my mind settles, like mud at the bottom of a lake.

This modern world is quite taxing. Our energy and attention are pulled into all kinds of directions and situations. You are not going to find a solution to anything at bedtime, by analyzing something until your mind is completely frazzled by it. You’ve made it through another day. Well done you! Your gift now is that you get to rest.

Here are a few tricks I use when I catch myself in the act of analyzing or fretting or judging at bedtime. I’m teaching them to my 9-year-old daughter. She’ll call out “Mama, I am thinking of school,” and I’ll call back: “You know what to do.” And she does.

• The switcheroo: If I catch myself in negative self-talk about anything, I will immediately change my inner words to some that are positive and loving. If I’m going to tell myself stories about anything, it might as well be about things and people that bring me joy and make me feel love.

• The metal box: If I catch myself going over a problem, I’ll imagine putting it in a big solid metal box and securing a lid to it. Then this metal box is put into a warehouse that has millions of similar metal boxes lined up on shelves. (Think of how they hid the ark in Raiders of the Lost Ark) The situation can wait for me over there.

• Attention in my feet: I’ll put my attention as far away from my head as possible. I’ll bring my awareness to my feet and keep it there. I’ll just feel my feet.

• My body is my servant:  I tell my body that I am its leader and that it is time for rest. I’ll tell it to get behind me. (meaning don’t start up with an old story that is just going to get me riled up) Amazingly, my body tends to comply when I command it to stop. Remember that your stories live in your brain which is part of your body.

My self-talk:

·       I have earned a good night’s sleep.

·       I take good care of myself in the evening and help myself relax.

·       Body, I am your leader. Now get behind me.

·       All can wait. This is my time to rest.

·       I now put my attention in my feet.

Wishing you more rest and a peaceful mind,

Love,

Maryse.

PS: If you want to learn more about how to practice the Switcheroo, I have a new FREE Five-Day Self Talk Transformation course where you will be able to do this PLUS learn about my other signature Self-Talk strategies. Learn more.

The way you treat yourself is a good indication of what your default inner voice sounds like

I used to practice very little self-care. It's like I didn't think I was worth the effort. The list of how I was irresponsible with myself was very long indeed.  My self-talk was as poor as the way I treated myself. 

Sarah Peyton writes in Your Resonant Self that if you're not sure what your inner voice sounds like, you can get a good idea if you look at your self-care. "Even if you can't hear this voice, we might guess what its tone is form the way we treat ourselves or from the way we are thinking about others," she writes.

As I've started turning to myself with more self-warmth, and paying attention to what I'm saying inside, self-care has become way easier. I don't have to force it anymore. It just happens naturally. 

An amazing thing happens when you start to transform your self-talk. There's an effect that is felt throughout your whole being. Parts of you will start to relax for the first time ever. Parts of you will want to laugh more. Parts of you will want adventure. 

Parts of you will also want to take better care of this person who has been entrusted to you: yourself. Whatever improved self-care looks like for you, that's the direction you'll start going gently, without forcing it, like a current that has suddenly started flowing in a new direction. 

Perhaps you'll give yourself the gift of more sleep and rest. Perhaps you'll choose real friends. Perhaps you'll decide that it's time to stop doing something that doesn't feel good anymore. Perhaps you'll give yourself a break. 

I'm not saying this will be easy. I'm saying that you'll be pulled to do it, and it will feel right, and worthwhile. 

Thank you for reading! 
Be well!
Maryse